Smylies Forever

Futures.

2012-02-06T22:29:00.000-07:00

Impatience bubbled out of my ears and flowed down my shoulders and I had to do something. We had been sick all weekend, Jake is out of town, we have spent days, weeks and months stuck inside, and I had to do something. So I put the girls in the bath like I typically do. Added hot water every 20 minutes and let them make a massive mess. I adjusted my attitude. And I got my camera and got my baby out of the bath, powdered, diapered her, jammies and hair combed.

I took just a few photos and forced myself to see the little things again. The things that make my eyes brim with happy tears. Tada's thin baby hair wet from the bath, combed behind her ears. That spot at Grace's dresser is always her first stop, posing her ponies just so. 20 months and she rocks imaginative play. Not necessarily with English, but still...

Full time parenting is enough to send one screaming for the hills. I roll up my sleeves to receive the 49 blows that gain me the 50th: a glimpse into bliss of the most beautiful, an endless space where our futures braid together with love.

Calm.

2012-02-02T00:32:00.002-07:00

I read to the older girls tonight, James and the Giant Peach. My voice bouncing off the thin walls as the younger two fell asleep in the neighboring rooms. Grace on one arm, Ruby on the other, we went through chapter after chapter. Curiosity mounted when James had an idea. He would rope some seagulls and the peach would fly.

Right then, their world got magical. It's happened a million times before, when that warm feeling in your heart seems tangible. When you know you are where you should be. When all is right. They smile, the sparkle in their eyes stinging my cheeks. I smile back, and hang on their excitement until the last bit drips slowly into my palms. They're growing up. But not tonight.

We finished chapter 24 and they finished whining and I kissed them and they kissed me back, I turned out the light and went to check on the little girls. Tada lets out a sleepy little hoarse cry. Her nose is stuffy and she can't get comfortable. My hands run over her hair and onto her cheeks and I turn her on her side to tuck her in. Lillie is asleep in my bed so I carry her into her room like I do every night. Her body curled up and quiet for the first time today. She's so calm when she sleeps, her eyelids shut so tight.

Another day gone and the future is bright.

How I spend my time.

2012-01-26T14:24:00.000-07:00

Took some portraits of my little birds at the end of the couch... Time is not dependable. Time doesn't give back in a relationship where babies are concerned. Time is selfish. But I plod on.

I look at my girls today, and die at their beauty and individuality. They are everything to me and I hope they will always be everything to each other.

Gotta go- Tada's walking around the living room with poo in her diaper and both fists full of tortilla chips :)

Lots of girls.

2012-01-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

The girls and their little girl friends. I'm missing the fourth sister in their family, she was playing in Tada's room. I can't believe we live so close to a family with four girls. And their mom is an amazing woman. So lucky to have them as friends.

Look at this beauty! I always wondered what my babies would look like and as my girls were born one by one, the anticipation grew. Now that I knew what one or two looked like, what would the NEXT one look like? And here she is. My fourth. Those shiny little eyes and the nutty personality. She's feminine and sweet. And a big tease.

Grace and Ruby are laughing hysterically in their bedroom. Miles from asleep for the night. The late evening is the time when I can really reflect on my family. How important they all are to me. The dinner's been cleaned up, homework done, kisses, and I sit here and think about what I gave, what I lacked, how it could have been better and what's to come tomorrow.

Each of them give something extremely significant to me. All of their successes and downfalls are different.

Grace told me yesterday she always wants to be single. She said she doesn't want to trouble with the wedding planning and stuff. I have no idea where she thinks of these things. She does the dishes now. She hates it, but she loads the whole dishwasher, washes out the sink, puts the soap in and starts it up. She never gets cold. She stays out sledding with Jake for hours and never complains.

Ruby told me that she decided on a new favorite animal. Birds. We were sitting on her bed tonight just after I helped her into pajamas. She said when we went to the museum I wouldn't let her go into the gift shop where she just knew they sold stuffed birds. Then she started crying. And her cheeks were red and big tears spilled down her cheeks before I could stop them. All the stresses of the day came flooding out. She's thoughtful and deep. And gives all her money to Sudan in an envelope with her beautiful handwriting on it, "Sudan Money".

Lillie is still the hottest fire in the bunch. She challenges me in every way. She threw the hugest fit (one of many) today because no one would stay in the front of the house with her. I was putting away laundry and had to walk from the front to the back of the house about ten times. Every single time I walked past her she grew more furious. She has another side. She tightens up her throat for her patronizing voice, "you're the betht mom ezzer!". She cocks her head to the side and crinkles up her brow and puts every single bit of brain matter into life. Into questions. And people, places, relationships. She's all in and I am learning patience every day.

Tada is my crazy little sparrow. My past self is very jealous of my current self. The self who owns a baby who eats EVERYTHING. Every vegetable, salad, steak, guacamole, chili, lasagna and much more. I didn't know such a child existed. She has completely flat feet, no arches. Exactly like me. Which causes her knees to hug each other. She flits and floats about armed with only her dainty little run. She said "teeth" today but it sounded like "Beesh". I hold her down and kiss her at least 2,367 times a day. That girl has a tremendous sense of humor.

Welp, that's all for tonight. I made a goal for this year that I'd at least blog once a week. Easy to do, not overwhelming and just right for my work load.

A Magical Place.

2012-01-09T22:45:00.003-07:00

Grace and Ruby are fast asleep, so I tiptoed in to take these photos in dim light. Grandma Mary got Ruby a craft kit for Christmas and Ruby made a one-eyed monster today. Then, during "reading time" tonight, G&R went nuts. Monster has a bed, pillow, and a pocket. Inside the pocket, a sponge cake. Green monster also has a few xbox remotes, and some netflix selections.

It's his birthday tonight, so that is why you may have seen a pinata hanging from his bedroom ceiling before he smashed it with his pipe cleaner arm. Also, a gift for him to open in the morning lays on his bedroom floor. Surrounded by bits of paper, foam, tape and markers, I laughed with them in their bedroom during their explanation.

I let go of my whole day, in a moment, laughing until tears threatened to peek from the corners of my eyes. Their faces, their lives, so funny and so smart. It's almost too much for me to handle.

Jake's cousin, Caitlin, came from AZ for a wedding and is spending some time with us here for a few days. She has really helped me appreciate my girls this weekend while Jake's been out of town for work. We laugh all day at Tada and duck when Lillie's temper flares. Grace and Ruby are completely underwater in friendship. They hardly ever fight. They create worlds together and there is no place on earth more magical than behind that closed bedroom door, every evening at 8.

Baby and I.

2012-01-05T11:04:00.001-07:00

My friend Kate snapped these of me and my baby. Thanks Kate!

It's a different feel now... being done with the baby thing and moving onto raising the ones I have. It's beautiful to see them all as a whole. As four girls, bouncing around together. Creating relationships, building trust, laughing together, getting in trouble together. It's art, it's mayhem... it's everything I ever wanted.

Evidence of my girls is everywhere. On the walls, rugs, beds, counters, bookshelves. They have their own special spots around our house where they store their precious little toys and notebooks and pieces of string. They are starting to create something that resembles individuality. As much as they can have in a little house with all these bodies.

They fight for independence. Especially Lillie and Tada. They want to do everything themselves. They fight and play together now. Tadi watches Lillie intently and tries so hard to communicate with her. Lillie doesn't mind and completely understands her and what she needs and wants. It's nice to see.

I am starting to turn into that annoying person in the supermarket that asks how old your newborn is, what her name is, and makes a few ridiculous sounds in a high-pitched voice. My youngest is a toddler and having my own bundle is only a memory now. So looking forward to the future with my girls.

Our Christmas Holiday.

2011-12-28T13:22:00.000-07:00

Opening the first few things.

Not afraid to get right up to her elbows.

Little Ruby and her favorite present: a binder with paper, dividers and sheet protectors.

Lillie with her "puppy hat".

Happy Ruby.

Grace furiously organized her gifts into sections and keeps scrupulous track of every single thing.

Broke her concentration from her motherly duties for 1.4 seconds.

I think this belongs in National Geographic or something.

Girls with new vests, Grace riding her new bike.

Off they go.

Swingin' with a beautiful profile.

Laughing out loud at that fun "swinging" feeling.

We had a lovely Christmas and weekend. I simultaneously feel very blessed and extremely fatigued! We spent Christmas with just us and our four babies. We were so excited on Christmas eve. Each of the gifts we passed between us, wrapped and talked about each of the girls' personalities. We talked about memories we had of past holidays when we were young and all the things our parents did for us. It's with great honor that we exercise similar traditions and excitement now with our own girls.

January is coming and as hard as it is here in Utah with the clouds and gloom, it's also a fun month. The calendar is pretty empty, there's no gift-buying scheduled, and I can hide in my house for days at a time undetected! Hooray!

2011-12-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone experiences lots of joy and love this weekend.

xoxo

Naps.

2011-12-19T21:28:00.001-07:00

It's not apparent here, but this baby girl is a total maniac. Lillie will skip into the living room with a shirt that she wants to wear in hand. Tada grabs ahold of the shirt like an american bulldog and doesn't let go. Even when Lillie pulls back with all her might, it only causes her little sister to hold on through the dragging and twisting and turning.

She's given up naps completely. She did about a month ago. There are many problems with this, including the fact that she walks around from 5-7pm like she's had a few too many. She runs straight into things. Or falls backwards for no reason. She really enjoys that euphoric overly fatigued feeling. Sometimes she even walks around the house with her eyes closed. The older girls are quick to save her life... Thanks, girls.

She is the most precious thing and gives the juiciest kisses.

'Night, Tadd, sweet dreams. See you at 7 when you wake me up with a face slap.

2011-12-13T00:06:00.000-07:00

It's hard to find the motivation to visit this space, my little blog. It's interesting how slowly my mind has progressed, moved on, from these confines. There's so many things that have distracted me. Among those, the longing for a bit more privacy, and that I'm so busy photographing families, and that my little ones are excited for a certain Christmas morning of which we are now the parents in charge. We've gone and grown up and had our own family, and as the Christmas cards arrive in my mailbox, I realize that everyone else is growing up, too. And being a "full-fledged family" as my sister-in-law Rebecca calls us, takes more mental energy than I was ever told it would!

I'm always behind. I've got someone's shoulder to rub or hand to hold or someone's angry that I'm not paying attention to them, and people are hungry, tired, dirty, sad and it is most definitely my job to fix it. And the neverending email and calendar and reminder chatter, plus doing something for people that have it way, way, worse than me. I finally get my babies fed, washed up and mentally stable... they climb into bed and all is quiet. I look around and there are little piles of clothes everywhere. Pieces of paper, pencils and toys scattered into the corners. I save it for another day.

That's not to mention documenting our lives. Lives that go by so quickly that sometimes I swear it's just a dream. A jumble of toes and words and warmth, phone calls, weather, laughter, vacuuming and dinner. It's such a good life, such a great fountain of freedom and creation. I love it. I plan to find a balance between work, enjoyment and documentation. I know I can.

Tada Talking.

2011-12-11T20:31:00.001-07:00

This is our littlest one talking. She has been a really slow talker and only says a handful of words. Here she is saying "Ruby" and "Grace" for the first time!

Sunday Photos.

2011-12-05T08:33:00.001-07:00

It gets harder and harder to blog every week. It would be easy to give up if it weren't for those big beautiful blog books sitting on my bookshelf. With photographs of our last few years of kids and birthing and sleeping and playing. It makes me so happy that I can record our lives.

Late last night Ruby was fast asleep but moved around her bed like a caterpillar. I smelled her hair. And her neck... and I realized I searched for that Ruby smell, the one she had as a baby. I found it there, in her collarbone crease. I hoisted her up her body and moved through the dark toward the bathroom.

There in the blackened hallway, I could feel the proximity of my sleeping family. Grace slept on the edge of her bed, to make room for her possessions that she keeps there in piles. Lillie had taken an eternity to fall asleep and I had just tucked her in. She is so still and peaceful when she sleeps. Tada sleeps in her crib with no side. Dad built a safety rail so she won't fall out. When I look at her sleeping, she looks older and bigger than I remember.

I scooped Ruby from the bathroom and brought her back to bed. Her little body curled upon contact with her cold sheets and I tucked the comforter around her back.

I walked into the living room and looked again at the most magical tree we've ever had. I complained to Jake about the subject of trees earlier this weekend, so he drove to fetch one. It is the most beautiful, magical thing I have ever seen. Truly. And it smells like a forest.

Afternoon Legos.

2011-11-29T00:31:00.001-07:00

Sunday Photos.

2011-11-27T23:41:00.001-07:00

When I come home from being gone all day the girls are all mussy-haired, some still in pajamas, wild-eyed and half full of junk food. But they are LOVED by their daddy. Look at the ocean of eyes! Last weekend I came home to four pairs of fingernails painted neon green by the man himself.

Here's to Monday. Here's to no more bloody wounds in the Ikea showroom. That was so last week.

My forever baby.

2011-11-20T22:10:00.001-07:00

She kills me with Rad. Runs me over with loveliness. I lie in the street, wounded, and in the distance her waddle is barely visible in the trail of dust and bodies she leaves behind. Beautiful, funny, spunky. She truly has it all. My forever baby. And she gives delicious kisses.

Winter is setting in. Today was a dreary day, the air so heavy with white and gray. We found things to do, even in our little shoebox by the canyon. Girls were restless. When they get like that I have them make lists. Advent calendar lists. Positive/negative lists. Lists about January. Math, happiness and improvement lists. And then I put them in my "keep these papers forever" basket on the dryer.

I cross my fingers that this day will be one they put in their quiver of normal days. The ones they draw on when they are older and gone. When they think back with lazy nostalgia on what life was all about with two crazy parents and too many sisters to count.

I hope these little ones that make me a complete person will carry this feeling with them. Of love and chaos, laughter and gratitude...

Mmmmmm....

2011-11-16T14:09:00.001-07:00

After School.

2011-11-14T23:19:00.001-07:00

When the girls get home from school, I throw a blanket over the day. "That's enough", I think, "that's enough of everything. You're mine.". I fuss over them and clean them up. Wash school off their face and hands. Get them comfy. Take off their shoes, get their backpacks hung up, check them over. Breathe on them, nose into their business, and generally stare. They tolerate me.

Tonight I told the older ones that mommy has one wish: that they hold their sister's needs over their own. That they put their own wants on the shelf. They let their sister have the first drink, the first choice of dish and cup and spoon. Set goals for unity instead of selfishness. (We shall see.)

By Morning's Light.

2011-11-14T09:31:00.001-07:00

Lillie woke me up around midnight. I had just fallen asleep and was shooting off into outerspace when she came to the side of my bed. I made out her silhouette speaking to me, muttering about pee, since we let her sleep without a diaper for the first time. I got up using the momentum of my stiff legs. With the guidance of walls and doorways through the darkness, I put a few towels down on her bed, changed her clothes and put her back to bed. She came back into my bed within minutes for lonely snuggles.

Around 4:30 I heard it again. Her lying next to me, muttering about pee. I hopped up this time to feel my shirt was wet. All over my bed and all over her. Ugh. My muscles tightened and I did the whole sequence again. I came back from washing my hands and nearly stumbled over Ruby who had just walked out into the dark hallway. "I peed my pants". Um, what? Lillie, Ruby and I, standing in the hallway, a long pause while I tried to understand if this was my reality. It was. So I took care of Ruby the same way I had taken care of Lillie. I tucked her tiny body back into bed and Lillie and I went back to my bed together.

Just another day in paradise.

But look what I have! LOOK! A baby with bedhead, in a diaper, with a plump lower lip, digging through the trash. She makes my mornings delicious.

Rube Reading.

2011-11-07T14:36:00.002-07:00

My little Rube doing some reading on a snowy Sunday. I love to get my babies' socks on and snuggle them into bed when they are cold. I talk to them in a baby voice... they love it. Their toes always suffer during the winter months. I set aside some time every night to kiss their faces. Some prefer less, some more. Ruby lets me eat her nose and cheeks. She knows I will nuzzle her for as long as she lets me. Even as an infant, she always let me. Grace puts up with it. Lillie will tell you flat out: no more kissing! Tada lets me if she's distracted or is drinking milk.

When I close my eyes and think about my babies, all I feel is warmth and skin and tiny freckles and shoulders and socks and shoes on the floor and crackers and tears... a few birth marks. Some teeth. Some questions. Papers and pencils. Change. And knuckles.

Time is getting away from me. I hopped on a sled and it's tearing down the hill. The cold wind in my face, I don't stop myself, I keep going. It's good, after all.

I had two hours to myself this afternoon. There was inversion and the temperature outside is less than desirable. I put on Pandora, my space heater, edited some family photos and let the heat and energy of life and love bounce off the walls of my chest. It's another day and I am happy.

Lillie Lu Lu.

2011-11-02T08:42:00.001-06:00

Found this in my archives.... Granola Girl doing some shopping.

Ninja - Scientist - Unicorn - Snow White

2011-10-31T23:18:00.000-06:00

They all lay peacefully in their beds with clean faces and hands. Another holiday gone. Lillie was exactly Tada's age and size when we moved from Florida to Utah. Here we are now, walking through the neighborhood on a cold October night with our little girls. Growing older by the second. They trick-or-treat with dear friends. Grace's friend walks right beside her and they talk between houses. Their voices float together as they teach each other things about life, both just 8 years old. Just like I did with my own friends today.

I wake every morning thankful for my life and my babies. And all of my family. For the sweet-smelling air of this place and for simple food and places and people. For all the laughter that will come my way. For those in my life that give me love. For Jake. For our privileged existence.

I can only hope it will always be this good.

I don't care who you are, this'll get ya!

2011-10-24T22:58:00.000-06:00

Sunday Photo & special offer.

2011-10-23T23:43:00.001-06:00

We have had a beautiful week. When I look outside and see my girls playing together, my lungs fill with sweet, fresh air.

As a family we try to look for ways to give, and for this cause I offer:

For one day only...... Get your fall family photo taken by My Matilda Photography for $50...

Here's what to do:

~ Request a session time {sarah@mymatilda.com} for Sunday, November 6th.

~ Donate online to the Utah Food Bank in the amount of $50 or more. {www.utahfoodbank.org/give-now}

~ Forward me your confirmation email and your time will be reserved.

What you receive:

~ A 30-minute family session in or around Big Cottonwood Canyon. Approximately 10 digitally processed images are yours on CD within 10 days.

What we give our community:

~ Food!

Limited sessions available -- Offer stands until space is full -- Feel free to share this elsewhere on the web!!

The Hone family today in the canyon:

Sunday Photo.

2011-10-18T13:15:00.000-06:00

Caught them after they went out to the mudpit first thing in the morning. I love how you can sense their level of self-awareness through their body language. Grace has a pretty standard way. Ruby has a creative idea of the way she wants to portray herself. In some of the other photos she was extremely dramatic in the way she was posed. Lillie has very little idea of the way that smile actually looks :) And Tada is not aware in the least.

This weekend we had planned to drive up the canyon to snowbird to check out the activities up there. So we grabbed some lunch, during which Lillie had the biggest scream-down tantrum of her life. Sometimes I find myself in those situations, sitting at booth, Lillie screaming her head off and all the other girl around me and I am at a loss. My mind a blank slate. I glance around at other people as if to ask "does anyone..... anyone... know what I should do.... in this situation..... anyone?".

Jake came to the rescue this time and took her out to the car. When they came back Lillie was still upset. We got through lunch and drove down the road toward the canyon and all I really wanted was to get Lillie safely in her own home, with things she could do, things she could watch and play with and help her be happy. Her comfortable little bubble. So home we went.

Sometimes you just have to give up on your plans and [you tell yourself] it's ok.

I am taking a 3-week CNA class that started last night and I think it'll effect my time and motivation for blogging... we'll see!

Grace and more.

2011-10-14T12:02:00.001-06:00

She came home from school yesterday and there was something magic about her. I couldn't stop staring at her. I took a photo, and she changed into a different shirt, and I took a few more. My children are just that, mine. The familiarity of their faces, the "I'm coming home" factor, just blows me away. I've seen them, every day, for YEARS.

Every bit of them is chemically mine, is physically mine. Connected to me in unexplainable ways. The smell of their hair, the constellations of freckles I've memorized, the shape of their collarbones.... everything evokes so much emotion and love. These children. They are so precious.

My Matilda -- Emi's Wedding.

2011-10-12T21:18:00.002-06:00

{See the rest here.}

Matilda Mae.

2011-10-10T22:37:00.002-06:00

My Tadd is so precious to me. I went in and kissed those warm cheeks tonight. She and Lillie share that little bedroom together. Their breathing was soft and low. They spend so much of the day trying so hard to LIVE, that when they sleep, they are heavy and still by contrast.

Sigh.

My little ones.

Sunday Photos.

2011-10-10T12:21:00.001-06:00

Jake and his girls, always, always, surrounding him.

Ruby and Lillie played outside yesterday. They spread fruity pebbles all over the cement. I want to remember forever the way their voices sounded. Lillie's lisp mixed with Ruby's "mom voice" pretending Lillie had the flu and Ruby was her mom, caring for her. Ruby made her a bed, supplied a water bottle and a plate (for puke) and lots of pillows. A book in case she got bored, and some cereal (as you can see). They played like that for two hours!

Lillie gets it now. She doesn't push so hard against them. She wants to connect to her world in a different way.

We were driving home yesterday at around 6 pm. All the girls were crying. As we drove up the hill to our neighborhood, they all had tears rolling down their faces for different reasons. Talking didn't help, music didn't help, they just kept on spewing madness. Emotional little girls. They were upset, things are unfair in their lives! They don't get enough! They are deprived! Jake and I were laughing so hard we could hardly breathe...

2011-10-06T11:22:00.000-06:00

This might be happening right now....

Grandpa Dee and Grandma Jeannie.

2011-10-05T12:29:00.000-06:00

My grandparents came through town for a bit and we all met at my cousin's house. They live in California and I miss them terribly. I love the way my grandma gently pushes the hair behind my ear, and the way my grandpa smiles that crafty smile. They're so much a part of me.

This is on my birthday, about 20 years ago...

Beautiful friend.

2011-10-04T13:57:00.001-06:00

This morning was hard with her. But now she's quiet. Watching Strawberry Shortcake and eating Ritz. I can breathe... and it's nice to gaze at her beauty in still shots. I took these the other day when she was waiting at the window for someone to arrive.

Sunday Photos.

2011-10-02T22:23:00.001-06:00

It's nothing but pure craziness in my house, but it's also fun, riotous living. Every day is another round of bombs.

Tada is a teaser. This is a talent she has developed in the last several months. She teases Lillie relentlessly and it is not very well received (ex: drips juice on her, closes the door on her, takes her chips and runs away, takes her toys and runs away). And if someone teases Lillie, screaming ensues and my quality of life is compromised. So not cool, Tada!

Lillie is liking her time when the girls are in school to be my little friend. She puts an exclamation point on my day, whether or not I need one!

Grace is the same as always. Averaging some good days, some teenage-esque attitude and some brilliance. She's highly organized and lets me hold her like a baby whenever possible, complete with thumb-sucking.

Ruby is one big beating heart. She lives and dies for love and bursts with love notes and affection.

Here is her latest pair of notes for me:

I am constantly amazed at these human-gifts I share my life with. Here goes another week!

My Matilda -- New Boy...

2011-09-29T14:19:00.001-06:00

{Latest newborn love here}

Twins, babies, marriage.

2011-09-26T23:20:00.001-06:00

Above: Hannah carrying her twins in the Moby wrap.

I love my baby twins! Whenever Hannah brings them over I start talking in a high-pitched voice and generally don't stop. They're just so adorable and very new still. They move and sound and sleep like newborns!

A friend and I were talking today as we watched our four children (each) run around the children's museum at the Gateway. We both felt done. I never thought the desire for another baby would wane, or fade, or ever be gone. I didn't think it possible. But it has faded substantially. Of course, the curiosity of what another one of mine would be like is still there, but my arms do not hunger like they used to. I love babies still, every last inch of them. It has taken a long time to get here, but I feel good. I feel full. I feel used up, in a good way.

Meanwhile, my sister is going out of her mind trying to manage her household going from one child to having three! I'm glad I have room in my arms to help out when I can!

I saw this picture on Jake's computer today:

He and I. He asked me if I remembered who we used to be "back then". I started crying... Yes, yes, of course I remember. We have come so many miles and been through so much together since then. The change and the growth and the joy and the pain is almost too much to think about. What a great life this is. And I'm so glad I can share it with him.

Sunday Photos.

2011-09-25T23:13:00.002-06:00

Where are these girls' parents? Do their father and mother KNOW how infinitely important they are? Do they have enough people in their lives that love them? Will they have the things they need in their life?

It's a lot of pressure... I hope we measure up.

Waddle and Bite.

2011-09-22T11:08:00.000-06:00

Some days... I mean, most days... are so hard... I don't know how women have done this for thousands upon thousands of years. There are days when I just don't think I can do it anymore. Of course, it ebbs and flows. Of course I am grateful. Of course I know I am giving my children my love and time, as much of it as I can, and I know it's good for them.

But holy cow.

My brain is not my own. My time is not my own. My sanity is not my own. It's getting drop kicked and right-hooked.

Most days I wait for the nanny by the front window. And she never comes. I stare at the wall asking it for help and it doesn't budge :) I call my mom or my sisters and ask them how THEY survived or are surviving. Sometimes I call friends and we dream of peace. Of quiet. Of a tranquil beach holiday. Of help.

But there's something we have in common, mothers. No matter how much we'd love for things to be easier, for there to be easy answers and formulas that worked day after day, for our children to handle things reasonably, we ALL wouldn't have it any other way. We all are so deeply, irrevocably in love with our babies.

Like, today. Tada walks around like she owns the place. It's all about her. She's constantly hitting and loves to sink her teeth DEEP into whatever part of my skin is available. And if it's not available, she goes through clothing. She does the funniest fake laugh, it kills me every time.

When I was trying to get some work done and Tada came up to me and screamed (her normal mode of communication, because hey, it works!) and tugged at my pants. She wanted more goldfish crackers in her snack cup. She still had her snuggly ducky jammies on and she was waddling around, with a dribble of drool on her bottom lip, messy hair, big blue/gray eyes. I couldn't HELP but smile. It came with no notice, like a reaction. An impulse.

I truly, truly love my life. With all the tears and frustration and ridiculousness, I love it.

My Matilda -- Bridals.

2011-09-20T23:26:00.002-06:00

I photographed a bride! That was a first (besides my sister). She was so so so easy to photograph. Here is Emi in her mom's house the day before her wedding.

The rest are here.

Afternoon Hiking.

2011-09-19T23:15:00.000-06:00

Seasons are changing: leaves, air, sunrise.

We heard the mountain cup its mouth and shout our name, so we started walking.

The little chickens fell in the stream with their clothes on and hiked back down in their undies. No one around seemed to mind. They smiled and kept their thoughts to themselves.

There is something about taking all my babies and husband by the hand and walking into a canyon. We create a temporary world for ourselves there sitting on those unfamiliar rocks by the lake, listening to the earth breathing in and out.

Change brings me both comfort and fear. A blank canvas stretching out into our future. And with it comes so much responsibility.

But here we are, under the same roof, hearts beating imperceptibly under our quilts. Trying and failing and having a few successes along the way... Changing, growing and enjoying ourselves immensely.

Dad and his little ladies.

2011-09-15T13:26:00.000-06:00

Melancholy for the past...

2011-09-13T14:56:00.002-06:00

Beautiful EVERYTHING.

This one's blurry but so so pretty (and mischievous).

I'm in denial. Denial that the baby of the family is older now. She's practically a kid. She wears grown-up jammies and eats her food with a spoon by herself. She stopped wanting to be rocked months ago and now falls asleep on her own. In her crib next to Lillie's bed. She points to her diaper when it needs to be changed. If I have my shoes on, she rushes to get hers on because she knows I'm going somewhere.

She's afraid of dogs and chickens. She is a slow talker and only says a few words. She has her own method of communication. She notices everything. If you open a soda, she's on you like glue. If you are in the vicinity of the kitchen, she's quicker than a sheepdog and forces you to peruse the pantry with her on your hip. Grace and Ruby try to carry her around and she's so huge and long against them. She's off the charts for height and weight, right on track for a Smylie baby.

She brushes her own teeth. She takes one nap and it can't be too long or she will fight her bedtime. I'm sure she'll give up her nap in the spring. She's pretty safe in the bath now. She resists my neck attacks and tummy feasts. She makes mad faces on purpose, to illicit a reaction, to manipulate, and she's just as emotional and objective as the manipulators above her.

My hands are too full to reflect at length, but when I have a chance to think about how old she and the other girls are becoming, I freeze. She's my baby. And time went by me like a jet airplane. What am I left with? Messy hair, a confused look on my face and melancholy for the past.

Peeeskauuu.

2011-09-11T22:29:00.001-06:00

I am horrible! I am barely able to recover from the 9-11 shows on TV today and I realized I forgot to take a Sunday photo again!

But I am posting these photos of Lillie from her first day of PEEESKAUUUU (preschool). She goes over to my friend's house where my friend teaches her and her own daughter and nephew preschool. It's perfect for me and perfect for her. So relaxed, so unofficial. I have trouble with official...

So here she is on her first day. She was so excited. She gets so incredibly excited about what she learns. She begs to go every day.

She is so beautiful here in these photos. Her spirit, her brain, her cells, every single effort she has goes toward staying inside her skin. It takes all of her, daily, to stay in there. To act her age. To be a big girl. She's a little Hulk, her episodes lessening these days but definitely still there.

I live for her. I have no choice, really. She demands it and I acquiesce. But I don't want to change it. Because even on the hard days, I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. I'm the corner piece, waiting for the rest of the puzzle to fall into place. I'm right where she put me.

My little Lillie. I'll never let you go, Lill.

From the land of love: I bring you... RUBY.

2011-09-07T13:01:00.001-06:00

Snowbird (and Monday Photos) (and Somalia).

2011-09-06T01:12:00.000-06:00

We went up to Snowbird today. After a weekend of everyone being sick, we needed to get out. The mountains here are beautiful, breathtaking, they will knock you down. We had a great time. The canyon puts me in a trance and I think I captured it with the last few.

Funny things that happened this weekend:

-- I was squished in bed at 4am between puking Ruby and whining-for-a-movie Lillie. Jake was sick and sleeping on the couch.
-- Jake was laying in bed with Ruby and she threw up on him.
-- Grace threw up at school. Once in the wastebasket, once in a cup and twice in the bathroom before I got a call from the school! She was mortified.
-- Jake and I watched TV the other night in silence. I could barely laugh I was so sick. It was really funny, though, because it was the closest we both had been to being in a coma together.

I really hate it when people complain about being sick, don't you?

Anyway, girls are back in school tomorrow... Fall is in the air, we could feel it. A few of my tomato plants that have hung on forever before ripening are going orange now. I've got perfectly ripe peaches on my counter (from Costco), the mornings are a bit crispy and I'm craving hot drinks. Being up in the mountains today, it's hard to believe that in a few months there will be feet upon feet of snow up there!

One more thing: my whole body aches for the people of Somalia. Please, please, if you haven't donated, it's easy. Just text SURVIVE to 20222 to make a $10 donation. Or you can visit this site and lots of others: Cnn: ways you can help.

Videos the girls LOVE.

2011-09-01T13:41:00.001-06:00

Stomach flu has hit a few of the kids. Hopefully it's over! There's nothing quite like pulling Lillie out of her bed in the middle of the night caked in a wet substance that is not urine... but there's also nothing like her laying beside me (clean) in a lethargic stupor, holding onto me (and Dad) for her life. She's such a soft snuggly little thing.

The girls are home from school today and have been on this site a lot: www.thekidshouldseethis.com

Here are a few of our favorites:

MyMatilda -- Baby Milo and Ellis Family.

2011-08-30T22:55:00.000-06:00

See the rest right here.

Today's Bedhead.

2011-08-30T09:03:00.002-06:00

Slowing Down.

2011-08-29T00:55:00.000-06:00

I just want to slow it down. Open the shutter. Open my eyes and really see. My girls, their hearts beating to the rhythm of a hummingbird's wings. Can I hear it? Do I listen?

Below is a photo I took in Florida of Jake's sister and her baby. I was JUST HER. Young, freckly, with one little baby Grace. There goes my throat, swelling up again...

Hanging onto summer...

2011-08-25T08:31:00.000-06:00

Eating bits of watermelon off a backyard chair.

First day of first grade.

2011-08-24T09:38:00.000-06:00

Ruby,

Yesterday was your first day of first grade. I texted daddy, "Dropped Ruby off on her first day. That girl has magical powers over me". It is true, Ruby, you are a magical girl.

I sent you to school with blisters on your hands from the monkey bars at the park, scrapes on your knees, a bandaid on your toe and a mild black eye. You are a monkey baby. Won't you stop swinging from trees and ropes and couches?

After school you said, "Grace sat behind me at lunch. Not to the right, not to the left, DIRECTLY behind me. And also I made two new friends. Hannah and Olivia. Olivia just asked if I wanted to be friends and I just said yes and that was it. And we got two recesses! And I had to go to the bathroom during recess and when I came back out my class already went in the building so I went up to the first grade door and banged on it and then my teacher saw me and let me in and asked if there was anyone else out there with me and I said no. And I ate some of my lunch, I'll tell you what I ate..."

Ruby I miss the days when you drew me a paper that said "I never want to go to school again because I will cry and I will say, Mommy come back!"

I miss you, Ruby, there is no one that can fill my arms and throw their little limbs around me like you can. You linger there, your face against mine, your fingers lightly touching my hair and usually we both make an audible, "mmm".

There is no paradigm I know of or have ever experienced that can summate or contain my love for you. And that is that. See you soon.

This morning...

2011-08-22T14:01:00.000-06:00

Grace,

I left you at school today after a long and relaxing summer. On the way there you stared out your window, quiet. Your face, chin, neck, all straining to find someone you knew as we approached your school. You did, and you walked in with Riley. As I left the parking lot, driving away from you all day, my heart dropped. I felt it. Like a real sensation. A literal pressure of gravity, trepidation, anxiousness. I took a breath and that tightness in my throat, it was there. It didn't well into tears like the day you started kindergarten, but it came back like a habit. Subtle.

There's something so unnatural about giving you away to someone else for hours. I could see it as a bird's eye view in my mind, so many other parents doing exactly the same thing as I was today, last week, next week... giving their babies away for another year. Everyone hopeful, nervous, happy for the opportunity for education, and scared to death.

I used to view kids differently. I used to see them as special. But now I see them as so much more. Now they are someone else's child. Someone else's world. I can only hope that people see you that way and treat you the same.

One day you'll think third graders are so young, such children. But for today, all you see on your horizon is a future of promise. The world is your jewelry box and you only have to pick and choose what you'll have each day. Choose well.

I love you, my girl.

Sunday Photos.

2011-08-21T23:07:00.000-06:00

The drive down to Orem:

The Utah Medleys, minus Miriam and Aaron:

We drove down to Orem to see some of my family today. My mom's still in town staying with Hannah and helping out with the twins.

Grace starts 3rd grade tomorrow and I'm having a heart attack thinking about it. I've filled out paperwork, her backpack and lunch are sitting on my counter... and I'm in total denial. I mean, it needs to happen, the girls need to go back and learn the things I really don't have the motivation to teach them :) But really, it is sad to realize our summer is ending. Ruby goes into 1st grade on Tuesday. Double Ugh.

Let's face it. The early mornings are what's going to kill me...

We love Sara B.

2011-08-21T00:08:00.000-06:00

Our best funny one.

And the award for best fake smile goes to...

Gracie and I went to the Sara Bareilles/Sugarland concert. It was fantastic, of course, and we knew all the words to Sara's songs. Sara and I sang together in high school and I'm lucky to still call her a friend. We got to chat with her for a bit and Grace loved being around a "real rock star".

I loved glancing over at my little daughter enjoying the music on this starry summer night. School starts next week and it was lovely to take Grace to her first real concert as autumn looms on the horizon.

Twin Lovefest

2011-08-17T22:42:00.000-06:00

I love the mountains and valleys of their little faces.

My favorite!

Holding hands.

A pile of babies.

Lynn knitted hats for them and all I got was this one photo! I'm sorry Lynn!

I did a little dance after I caught these back wrinkles.

Me and McKay.

He has a question...

Also one of my favorites, shot with 50mm F/1.4.

I still can't believe these boys are a permanent part of our family. What an extra helping of dessert it was to go up and photograph them. YUMMMMMM.

My Matilda -- A Third Boy...

2011-08-16T10:08:00.000-06:00

You know you want to kiss that neck!!!

More of this newborn here.

Sunday Photos and Anniversary.

2011-08-15T00:35:00.000-06:00

Tonight there is rain ringing my doorbell. It comes toward our house in sheets. Reminding me that some nights, buckets of water just come out of the sky, and there's nothing we can do.

Our life has been like that for us, a storm and a blue sky and a cloud and some wind and a nasty cold front and then the most beautiful day you've ever seen and swear you'll ever see.

Jake and I went away for our anniversary. During which I didn't take one photo. We were completely ourselves and it was fantastic to have uninterrupted thoughts, conversations and laughter.

We've been married for ten years.

Starting out, we were pretty in love. We never spent one day apart. We got married and both worked at the same place, with the same hours, and our classes at the U were at the same time so we could walk to class together. I was expecting Grace before our first anniversary and the rest just seems like it went by SO fast.

We've come into a new realm of marriage. So much more is unspoken. We see each other more clearly. The extra has sloughed off and our souls are exposed. My core is in love with his and nothing else really matters.

Sure there are some tough times and there will be more. But on this heavy, rainy night, I am him and he is me and we are in this together, and I'm lucky.

Last month in Clearwater Beach, FL.

Few from when Rachel was here.

2011-08-11T00:18:00.000-06:00

This one of Tada taken by Rachel.

Rache and I grew up as close as any sisters could be. And when she comes to visit, my heart usually explodes. So here I am, trying to pick up the pieces of an exploded heart. It's not that easy.

It's fun to see freckles on my adult siblings. When we were born my mom must have said to us one by one, "take some freckles and pass 'em down!". I definitely helped myself.

Me and Lillie on a summer day, taken by Rachel.

Finally!

2011-08-09T15:34:00.000-06:00

Sean's mom and my mom just after seeing the boys.

Click here to see the birth photographs.

Click here to read her birth story.

Sunday Photos.

2011-08-07T22:52:00.000-06:00

Hannah had her twins! The c-section went great and I was able to be in the OR to photograph. They are beautiful and she named them Brody and McKay. They were 5'13" and 6'14". I will post some photos this week!

A Sunday afternoon on the swings

The music of my life is slow, emphatic, while the wind always blows their hair. Then the day's gone, the city gets quiet and little girls sleep. The dark comes and reminds me that good days always end. I shiver, but what can I do about time? Change it, stop it? Can't. I can only watch as it plods on at a maniacal pace, jeering at me over its ridiculous shoulder. I cling to it because I only want to hang on, to experience everything with tears streaming and this unshakable, regretful panic. I wouldn't be a mother without it.

To others, we're just another anthill, just another family, trying to make something of ourselves. But to me, TO ME, my life is a fountain of unbridled love and building castles and flying through the sky. It's a pool of emotion so deep my head squirms under the mass. There's electrical currents and unearthly tides. It's the earnestness in their eyes. I can't look away, I can see a million years in them.

To my girls, my family. You are so, so, so important to me. Let's spread this love around the world forever.

First photo taken in August.

2011-08-03T00:06:00.000-06:00

My captivating Lillie. All-encompassing. Heart-wrenching.

Tomorrow is twins day! In nine hours, we'll be preparing to hear their first cries.

Beauty.

2011-08-02T01:41:00.000-06:00

The girls love to use my make-up (it's on our summer to-do list more than once). This is a photo of Ruby right after she did herself up, found some beautiful frocks in her closet and demanded I take her picture. My favorite thing about her is when she winds her thin little fingers around my neck and to the back of my hair, locks her eyes on mine and says, "I love you, Ma-Ma".

Two.

2011-08-01T00:00:00.000-06:00

What mother puts their child to bed with a sugary mouth? Well, me...

Two photos of Lillie's sleeping lips. Two. That's how many new babies I'm getting this week. Hannah's having TWIN BOYS. I can't even get over it. Two fluffy newborns. Two new lives. Two blankies, two binkies, two newborn diapers at a time.

Best week of my life!! I've got family in town so no sunday photos and going to have a busy week but it's all wonderful, it's all bliss. And on Wednesday, the baby-kissing will commence!

Great Universe Simulation.

2011-07-29T14:17:00.000-06:00

My girls absolutely love this video! Gives them some perspective. They try to follow exactly where the earth was when it started zooming out so much...

Hannah's Twins.

2011-07-28T18:57:00.001-06:00

Hannah, 35 weeks.

My sister Hannah is having twin boys on August 3rd (if not before!). Seems impossible that a small body could house two large babies!

Rachel's flying in from the East Coast, my mom is coming on Monday, everyone is waiting and anxious and worried and excited. Hannah was hoping for a normal delivery but the boys are both sitting straight up breech! She'll have a c-section. The most incredible thing about Hannie is that she just finished nursing school TWO DAYS AGO. She took her last final and could finally breathe a sigh of relief (or not...).

Our entire family is on the edge of our bleachers dying to see what these boys look like! This is the best summer ever.

Beautiful: People, Place, Experience.

2011-07-26T11:57:00.000-06:00

This 7-minute montage might be dull for people that don't know my fantastic extended family... but I love them more than life and our time together is always so sweet. These photos make me all gooey inside and adding music in there is death by emotion!

Miss you all---

Sunday Photos.

2011-07-25T00:02:00.000-06:00

And one from Saturday:

Something that I love about the girls right now is they'd rather watch a documentary on archaeology than watch a cartoon. Grace wants to be a paleontologist when she grows up. Far cry from a "rock star". They ask me how dinosaur bones can be saved for so long. I tell them the bones are replaced with minerals. Then they hit me over the head with so many questions that I black out. No, really, I don't, but pretty close...

I wish I was a scientist, they would be way more impressed.

Crushin'.

2011-07-21T22:15:00.000-06:00

Grace and our neighbor Noah...

MyMatilda --- NurtureShoot with the Burkman's.

2011-07-19T16:40:00.000-06:00

See a few more here.

Hiking...

2011-07-18T23:33:00.001-06:00

Me and the satchel. She is 24.5 pounds, give or take. So one time I got tired. And we stopped to rest in a grove of trees. And I took the baby backpack off and it stood on the forest floor like a perfect high chair. Suspending her above the dirt and pine needles and ants while she ate her granola bar. Then she must have pushed her toes into the ground and it tipped forward and she did an uncontrollable face plant. 100% Mommy's fault. Ugh.

A few of my siblings and I went on a hike (walk) around Silver Lake. Isaac and Bethany are my little brother and sister who were visiting before going to EFY this week. Here she is, in all her feminine beauty, my littlest sister who was 3 years old when I moved out of the house:

Sunday Photo.

2011-07-17T22:32:00.000-06:00

This is as good as it gets for today... Ruby was concerned that her feet would be eaten by ants, Lillie wanted it to be over so she could go back inside, Tada wanted to run down the driveway in front of a speeding car and Grace was going through whatever motions she had to in order to gain freedom and favor.

But it's them. With their messy summer hair (ok, all-season messy hair), popsicle faces, eyes that squint just at the edges, and freckles on every single one of 'em.

It was a beautiful day, evening and weekend.

Urination.

2011-07-15T00:25:00.001-06:00

Anytime my girls want to stop whining and go outside to play in the backyard unsupervised, I make absolutely no move to stop them. Quite the opposite, actually, I give them a nice swift kick as they run out the door.

So in the calm light of the evening, I usually find myself cleaning up the backyard. This time I found an orange bucket with some water in it and a roll of toilet paper beside it. I was understandably confused and my wheels started understandably spinning.

Kayla, my niece who spent a couple days with us this week, was the first on the scene when she noticed my staring. The facts began to spill from her mouth with hardly a breath in between:

"We wanted to make a toilet and Grace peed in it and so did Ruby and I had to really go pee, so I did it too".

You know what? It barely fazed me. I dumped it out and left it upside down to dry while I finished cleaning up the yard.

Such a seasoned mother I am.

Lillie's Birthday Photos.

2011-07-13T22:00:00.000-06:00

Lollipop on the beach, 3 years old. Tutu and hair feathers by Aunt Liza.

Cake and a few presents with the ultra-wide angle lens. The distortion is hard to control...

Loves that "Ninna". And the binky she found under Ninna's bed.

The emotion lies deep inside me, at my most cellular level. More than anything else, it's an instinct. Simply a reaction to your strength, your vigor, your burning bonfire. It gets me. When I see your birthday photos, your beautiful face turning three, almost as if in slow motion, I break down. I can't speak. My jaw clenches tight as your beauty possesses the uneven blue of my eyes.

I can't edit photos of my fantastic specimen that is you, on the beach in a yummy swimsuit, with that smile and that hair without completely losing it. My eyes sting as David Gray and Meiko and Ray LaMontagne sing me and you a little closer to one another.

I'll love you forever and ever and ever. 'Til time gets bored and turns into something else entirely.

Tada and me: Ponte Vedra Beach, FL.

2011-07-13T00:20:00.002-06:00

We are back from Florida. We miss it so much already. It was amazing. So amazing that I took 1661 photos and narrowed it down to 287 of my favorites. It's a start.

An amazing thing happens when you go on vacation with extended family. Your children become distracted. Their needs spread out to countless other adults who have conversations with them, get them things, fulfill their many needs if they are able. The kids wear themselves out, swimming for hours each day, with endless supplies of food and drinks and a house with rooms for this and for that. Then it's time to go home. You squish into a very small space for five hours, moving very fast at 38,000 feet. It's just you and your spouse again, with the hoodlums. Packs of candy and a million bottles of juice disappear and finally you're home, brushing teeth, checking the mail and flopping into bed.

What happens the next day is like a kick to the teeth. The hungry, bored, restless vacationers are in need of entertainment. And the only adult there is you. You and your pathetic worn out body, void of any new tricks or toys. And you live in a shoebox with no pool, no snacks and no Nana.

Tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps a day of serenity and back massages. My fingers are crossed.

Lillie's Day.

2011-06-29T00:16:00.000-06:00

Lillie,

Today, all of you turned three. Legs, arms, wild hair, brilliant smile. There are always things you intend to do. There are constantly things you need and want. Today was no exception. We spent our time with you today going around St. Augustine, FL. We rode a trolley around the oldest city in America in sweaty weather. I sat behind you and stared at your wavy head of hair, grown so long now, and your tiny shoulders, puckered up in anticipation. Your face was set in a seriousness that showed even in the small fraction that lunged beyond your tousled hair.

Every bit of you strained to experience today. In the way you drove everyone to listen and deliver and follow. As you usually do. You cried about riding a small carousel you'd seen earlier, so we took you late in the afternoon. I will remember that forever. It was just you and I. The ocean breeze blowing our hair and you with that face and me just your loving mom. You wiggled from one horse to the next, constantly changing your mind. Your smile stretched as big as your arm. One dollar. And a dirty little carousel. And it was bliss, washing over us like a fountain of velvet.

You would leave your skin if you could. Burst out, just like that. You'd turn and wave to me from your new place, free of the age and limitations that slow your burning fire of a soul. I can see you there, not sure when, but I can see you sometime in the future. When every small piece of you comes together in the most beautiful harmony. When you will smile with confidence and calm at those that questioned or feared your outcome.

I love you Lillie. I can see a billion things in you but most of all, determination. Just go and do whatever it is that makes your heart sing. I'll be screaming on your sidelines!

Love,
Mama

Leaving on a Jetplane... with lots of children and Nabisco products.

2011-06-23T15:38:00.000-06:00

Ruby puffing a dandelion today.

We are leaving tomorrow for a couple of weeks in Florida with my husband's fantastic parents and family and my girls' cousins. We are excited out of our minds. A week at a beach house, kids everywhere, music, playing, sun, great food, laughter, laughter, kids, laughter, movies, laughter. The alligator farm, meeting up with friends, seeing cousins every single day, swimming in Nana's pool, sitting on Nana's lap (if you're small enough!).

A photo from two years ago below. It is everything Florida is. Naked babies, warmth, water, colors, and lots of turquoise!

Click here for some MyMatilda newborn photos...

Grace and Twins.

2011-06-21T23:19:00.000-06:00

Grace. With her beautiful skin and hair and self.

Below: Me, Hannah and Miriam. All moms now. My sisters are awesome. Hannah is having twin boys! She's due in August and if all goes well, I will photograph their birth. Hang in there Hannah. And we can make hearts on your stomach anytime you need a laugh!

2011-06-20T22:54:00.000-06:00

Sisters sleeping and snuggling. Also, Ruby and I on my 32nd birthday. There's nowhere else I'd rather be than Ruby's neck.

Happy Father.

2011-06-20T00:14:00.000-06:00

Caught you just after working on your motorcycle. It goes without saying. You're simply the best.

And to my dad: ditto, and I miss ya.

Done with Kindy.

2011-06-15T11:03:00.000-06:00

Isn't the above photo hilarious? Kids are going every which way, you can almost see them moving like they probably do nonstop. Poor teacher... I don't envy her job!

Ruby finished kindergarten. I think I was in denial the whole year that she was even in school. She would come home and in my eyes, she's still a calm, artsy little 3 year old practicing her letters. Seriously? First grade? Whatever, it's probably not happening. Heard time's going to stop soon, so I'm just waiting...

Summertime.

2011-06-13T22:34:00.000-06:00

Worry, apprehension

Set aside for months

While things grow

The ends of their hair

Curl around my neck

Pull me to them

A flurry of pervasive emotion

Albeit

With gentility

I gaze and can't stop

Or comprehend

What's to come

I can only see now.

Bless-ed today.

Sunday Photos.

2011-06-12T22:13:00.000-06:00

I look at these photos and again, am astounded by my four things. This weekend billions of people swirled around the planet like ants, needing, doing, living, dying. Us and our littles ones were here. On our little patch of rented grass, living. We planted a garden, sang some rounds, ate watermelon, used bandaids, ate chocolate cookies, moved some furniture around, cleaned the carpets and spent time with Nana and Papa as they visited this weekend.

I feel lucky to be born in this country to my family. It's a rich life with abundance at my fingertips and four little girls dripping in chocolate crumbs. I'm lucky and grateful.

Mmm.

2011-06-09T10:32:00.000-06:00

Starting the summer with chocolate cake is a good idea. As the frosting mixed with dense chocolate cakey goodness slides down my throat, I can't help but be hopeful: that having my girls home all day every day will be as good as it seems. That there will be peace and progress and accomplishments.

:::Fingers crossed:::

More of Jake's excellent video-making skills...

2011-06-07T22:01:00.000-06:00

Sprinkler Movie June 3rd, 2011 from Jake Smylie on Vimeo.

Dee-LISH.

2011-06-07T00:08:00.001-06:00

Mt. Everest's got nothing on Tada. Neither does Raspberry Cheesecake.

Sunday Photos.

2011-06-05T22:16:00.000-06:00

This weekend was:

7-11
Cleaning
Errands
Cooking
Playing
Not sleeping
Sandwiches
Chocolate
Building backyard swings
Tada kissing and rocking baby dolls
Digging backyard mudholes
Forcing mud down the shower drain
Running from bees
Turning on the AC

Some days are up down and all around, I am busy and don't think clearly. But sometimes I stop. And look out the kitchen window. My two oldest girls are swinging in the sun, in opposite directions. Different weights, different sizes. They find their own rhythm. One looks ahead and the other looks straight up to the sky.

Their legs move differently and they have a distinct, unique sense of their own momentum. One lets her hair cover her face and the other is constantly pushing it back behind her ears.

I want their individuality to sing, to reach a fever pitch. I want who they truly are to bubble up inside, to boil, to burst, filling the air with droplets of emotion and dreams.

Always to be kind, always to care for each other and for the rest of the world, and always and above all, to their own selves be true.

A Little Trim.

2011-06-03T00:23:00.000-06:00

It's June and I'm wearing a sweater and socks. If the weather won't change, then I will!

Choppin.

2011-06-01T15:10:00.000-06:00

Thanks Jake for taking these. Even though when I look at these photos my mind runs a long list of, "I don't like this about me and I don't like that about me", I think there's something beautiful about little old me with my hair all undone, in the kitchen preparing food. And Jake captured what I look like when I'm concentrating on something and laughing at his joke at the same time. That's definitely something I do about 100 times a day.

Ah, look. It's adult me. I always used to wonder what she'd be like.

MyMatilda -- Anticipation.

2011-05-31T09:59:00.000-06:00

See a few more here.

Celeste. She is pregnant with her third boy and we have been friends since we were little girls growing up in northern California.

I always think it's so strange when I go to friend's houses that have boys. What usually happens is I sit on the floor and their gaze suddenly turns to me, they run full speed toward me and try to wrestle me. One friend told me flat out, "I don't sit on the floor at my house, it's an open invitation!" I love boys. In my house, if I sit on the floor, my girls hang on me like seaweed and whine like an old timing belt.

Sunday Photos -- Standing up!

2011-05-29T22:00:00.000-06:00

Beautiful Walker.

2011-05-27T00:38:00.001-06:00

My Place.

2011-05-25T17:42:00.001-06:00

Me and a few of my babies.

Sometimes I look at the night sky. I'm dazzled by the few stars I can see with my eyes that are a fraction of the 100 billion stars that make up our galaxy and the 100 billion galaxies that make up our universe. Stretching into forever, incomprehensible with my teeny brain.

Then my mind comes back down, and I glance around my little house, with old carpet and thin walls and little beds tucked in between. We seem so small. So insignificant. So un-grand compared to all the people, all the problems, all the joys, all the triumphs on this little planet.

But our family is its' own machine, working and blending and becoming something wonderful. We're loving and living. I'm happy and content to only occupy my own minute place in the universe, as long as it's with them.

Heaven.

2011-05-23T22:08:00.002-06:00

Sunday Photos.

2011-05-22T23:03:00.000-06:00

28mm, F/4, ISO 6400, 1/50.

Got these right in the nick of time. Photographs were not really on my mind today, but because of my new camera, which still makes me drool, I can take a photo when the sun is down, clouds are thick, and room light is minimal and it is completely possible!

Weekend was fantastic. What can you do with four young kids? Not much in the way of public events, but we make our own fun.

- Rode a 4 wheeler around in the back yard.
- Lots of icee pops.
- McDonald's
- REI
- Jimmy Neutron and Costco trail mix.
- Friends, family and good food at Hannah's baby shower.
- Naomi and Laurel visiting from out of town.
- Rode scooters and bikes at the park.
- Enjoyed one full day of no rain (Saturday).

All together, a great weekend full of little girls' clear, honest, wondering eyes. And best of all: Tada took six steps today! Way to go baby!

Lillie's knees.

2011-05-17T22:35:00.001-06:00

Little Babe.

2011-05-16T22:38:00.000-06:00

I want to cradle that foot in my fingers and kiss each of those tiny toes individually. 1-2-3-4-5.

See the whole newborn shoot here.

Cupcakes and Feelings.

2011-05-16T00:06:00.002-06:00

Tada,

It's been one year. Four seasons. 365 days since I held your newborn body in my arms. Your birth taught me a billion things. Most importantly, I am not timid, I am not paralyzed by fear, I am not a coward, I am not a quitter. I am a tower of strength when the time calls for it. It took me over 30 years to learn this and your birth was one of those moments where I turned the corner and finally saw myself as I really am. Strong and capable. And we did it together.

I think I began to wake up in many ways after that and I am changing a little more every day.

You are a gift. A present wrapped up in squish.

You climb and pull and scream and laugh and fall and smile and pinch and kiss and sleep and cry and play.

And you did all these things today. Our house was filled to capacity with your aunts and uncles and cousins. I caught a glimpse of you over by the toybox. You were sitting there, turning something over and over again in your hands. You looked up. Your eyes focused little to my right, then slid over and caught my gaze. You sat there and beamed. A little girl so in love with me. You dropped your toy and crawled to me.

I picked you up, parts of the future playing in my head like a quick flock of birds. You. Bigger, stronger, smarter, older, tougher.

It will happen. It always does.

In the meantime, know that right now, today, I have never loved you more. I have never known you so well. I have never been so grateful for you and I have never felt so lucky to be your mama.

-- M

Crawling and Shrieking.

2011-05-11T22:46:00.000-06:00

This baby's going to be One on Saturday. A one-year-old in this big world.

You know when you're at the opera, and the lady sings loud and high? And then higher, and higher, until she hits a note so high you think the windows might burst. You love it, but you also want it to stop. It fills your senses, thrills you and shocks you.

Well Tada squeals like this but I don't love it, I just want it to stop. During meals is the worst. She'll scream a few times and then I'll watch Jake get up, make a bottle of chocolate milk, and bring it to her in her high chair. "It's the only way" he says in a tight voice.

She crawls around the house like a shrieking little mammal. Unaware, can't speak english, can't walk more than two steps, uses a diaper, can't dress herself, still sucks her toes, gets into everything. I wonder what will change by the time she's two. She'll most likely be a walking, shrieking mammal that gets into everything.

When Jake gets home from work, she crawls in hyper speed, taking the shortest path through the toys to his feet, and demands to be held. He cannot resist Tada, most people can't. If you do, she makes you pay.

Last night around 11 she woke up. I held her for a long time. I tried to lay her down again in her crib. She cried. I sat back down and rocked her more. The weight of a baby distributed from my chest to my waist is a very familiar feeling. Fuzzy pajamas, restless legs, the sound of her heavy breathing. My fingers traced the roundness of her forehead, her hair, her eyes, her lips and nose. My hand rested between her miniature hipbone and the start of her ribcage. I sighed. And loved.

I hope you are enjoying things so far, Tada. We adore you.

Sunday Photos.

2011-05-10T08:55:00.000-06:00

Daddy makes them laugh the hardest. And the bottom photo, they were told to look like "supermodels".

The girls all have coughs this week. With the news of Pertussis in Cache County, I am so glad we are all vaccinated.

Happy Spring!

Right Now	Next 36 Hours

	Today	Tonight	Tomorrow

Cloudy	Showers	Showers	Scattered T-Storms
45°F	50°	43°	61°
Feels Like: 42° Get FREE weather on your desktop	High	Low	High
Past 24-hr: Precip: 0.21 in (est.) Snow: 0 in	Chance of Rain: 60%	Chance of Rain: 30%	Chance of Rain: 30%
Wind: From SSW at 5mph	Wind: W at 7 mph	Wind: NE at 6 mph	Wind: WNW at 8 m

A Mama.

2011-05-08T22:55:00.000-06:00

Mama,

Almost every day a thought crosses my mind, like a running shadow, as the afternoon grows long. It's a fleeting one, and always unique. It's a thought of you. Sometimes in the wrinkles of my hands, or the way I chop vegetables, looking through the kitchen window at the girls playing together. Their laughter floats toward me and I think of you. How long ago you did the same thing. Prepared dinner, managed the endless sea of dishes and laundry and needs, laughed and cried at the weight of your responsibility.

You gave us yourself. The best way you knew how. And that's what I try to do, every day. Mother my girls the best way I know how.

My affection for you translates everything and translates into everything I do. Decisions I make, even the little ones, reminisce of you. There's something about you in almost everything I do. That's a mother to me. The one who I cannot separate myself from, no matter how many miles I travel. One can clamor to find the line, the one where you end and I begin. But I cannot find it, and for that I am happy.

All I can say is thank you. A million times, thank you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

To my babies:

Make You Feel My Love
When the rain

Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

Dad.

2011-05-06T13:20:00.000-06:00

Today's my dad's birthday. I just got off the phone with him, one of my best friends.

I am SO SO beyond words grateful and in love with my dad.

He's a thinker, optimist, giver, surfer, hiker, camper. He's gentle, kind, helpful, smart, funny, energetic, skeptical and a little rebellious.

My sister Naomi wrote a beautiful post today about him and I want to share part of it:

"I love your hands. They are so big and strong. They are confident. They have seen so much of the world. They surf. They plant daffodils. They climb mountains. They pull your glasses out of your shirt pocket. They fed your kids for 25 years by being covered in grease and cuts from fixing cars. They held each of us. They blessed us every year before starting school. They have always been there to hug me. They hold mom. I can not wait to someday put my children in those wonderful, beautiful hands."

Love ya, Dad.

We are lucky lucky lucky.

Featured...

2011-05-05T11:00:00.002-06:00

I was featured on a local blog today, Or So She Says.

My Matilda's Nurtureshoots are a great way to celebrate Mother's Day.

Until May 15, I'm offering a NurtureShoot at $225, which -- and here's the great part -- includes a cd of all your edited images. No additional purchase of a photo package is required.

Happy Mother's Day, to you, to me, to all of us.